To my little Pax

On this day five years ago, I was unprepared for the depth of love my heart could feel for such a demanding, squishy, adorable little boy. I was 38 weeks pregnant and utterly miserable. Bell's Palsy, swollen feet, sciatica, heartburn and a host of other late pregnancy discomforts had become part of my pregnancy journey.

It was hard. 

It was hysterical.

It was special. 

It was a blessing. 

It was ALL worth it.

We ate lunch with my best friend from high school and her beautiful mother. Daddy drove their BMW because we both knew it would probably be his only opportunity to drive such a beauty. I sat in the passenger seat, on a towel, just in case my water broke. 

We eventually said our good-byes.

Night came. 

Braxton- hicks contractions started, like they always did. 

We went to bed, unaware of your plans.

In the early morning hours, you decided it was time. Time to leave your Heavenly home and join our family. Time to begin the life that I'm sure your Father prepared you for. Time to say goodbye to those who loved you, tutored you, came before you and those who would be coming after you.

And then you came. All 9 pounds of you. 

You came fast and furious.

You were the most beautiful newborn I had ever laid my eyes on.

 

In an instant, my world changed.

I embarked on the most soul-stretching year of my life: becoming a mother.

Learning.

Growing.

Crying.

Researching.

Breastfeeding.

Worrying.

Praying.

Regretting.

Laughing.

Yawning.

Bending.

Holding.

Teaching.

Rocking.

Singing.

Reading.

Loving.

Today, I watched your First Year video. 

I sobbed. 

It was such an ugly cry that I had to re-shower and get a grip.

Where does the time go?

I miss that chubby face. I miss those fat rolls. I miss that laugh, the squeals, and even all of those late-night feedings.

 Just as you came into this world, you've grown fast and furious. 

Happy 5th Birthday, little man!

 

Learning to not let beauty define me

Some days I feel strong enough to face my hair loss with poise and sufficient faith to see me through this difficult time.  Other days I crumble and feel the seed of anger planted in my heart.  This isn't the first time that pregnancy has affected my physical appearance in a rare, and heartbreaking manner.

Nearly five years ago, at 36 weeks pregnant, I woke to a partially paralyzed face.  I had pregnancy-induced Bell's Palsy, a rare condition.  Half of my face lost it's function; only one eye could blink, only half of my mouth could smile, and only one part of my mouth could function enough to drink from a cup. It kept me from smiling or venturing out in public.  Rod had to let me know when I was drooling, because I couldn't control it, nor could I feel it. My speech was slurred and often unintelligible.  My self esteem was greatly affected. 

More heartbreaking, every picture from the first moments of meeting our son are void of emotion.  I was overjoyed at becoming a mother and thrilled to meet our precious baby, but smiling was no longer apart of who I was.  I was self-conscious and felt incredibly ugly.


The symptoms of Bell's Palsy slowly improved, but my smile and face showed a lingering, droopy smile and asymmetrical face.  I remember sobbing and pleading with the Lord for just ONE opportunity to capture my JOY of being a new mother.  Days after that prayer, I noticed enough improvement to attempt a smile in a picture.  My smile was still crooked, and my right eye still affected, but I finally had a picture with my son and I was smiling! 

Lingering Bell's Palsy, but finally smiling again.

  

Bell's Palsy forever changed my face; I never recovered 100%.  I am grateful that I recovered enough for strangers not to notice, but a slight droopy eye remains.  It's something I immediately notice in pictures and one of the many reasons I'll forever be self-conscious.

Daily hair loss

As I continue to loose hair, I attempt to resist the urge to become angry.  It's a daily battle to choose JOY when I feel that I'm slowly turning into an ugly, balding duckling.  It's an emotional journey and one that is reminding me of who I REALLY am. 

I am more than the hair on my head.

I am a daughter of God.

He knows me personally and loves me eternally.

I am beautiful because of who I am.

My reflection doesn't determine my worth.