October 28. October 31.

To fully understand the significance and miraculous nature of this baby's due date, you have to know the story of our sweet 4th baby. A baby we lost to miscarriage.

October 2013
A positive pregnancy test. Tears of joy, a rejoicing heart, and prayers filled with thanks.  We were going to have another baby.  Despite my excitement, I could never shake the feeling that something wasn't right.  My heart instinctively knew, but I attempted to convince myself that I was just paranoid.

October 28, 2013
In the early of the morning, I listened to the thunder. I could feel my heart breaking. Pax was awake, quietly creeping around the house, as he had been since 5:00am.  I had been awake for some time. I had a symbolic dream of miscarriage.   I saw a uterus being tipped over as it emptied.  My heart knew what was going to happen, but I clung to the little bit of hope that remained.

I dragged my feet into the bathroom and took a pregnancy test; I didn't know what else to do.  Positive, but very faint. Much more faint than it should have be. It confirmed what I knew in my heart for days: we were going to loose this baby.

I woke Rod up because I needed somebody--anybody-- to hold me.  Before I could find the right words, Rod was mumbling and grumbling about how annoyed he was with Pax for being awake and that it was going to be a loooooong day.  I cut him off, because in that moment, our son's sleep deprivation was an insignificant problem.

"We need to talk. It's not good."

He knew right away, before I said anything else.  In the darkened room, our eyes met. No words spoken. Just the sound of rain falling and rolling thunder.  I could see the pain in his eyes; the same pain I remember all too well from 5 years ago.  It was all I could do to stagger into his arms.

In these moments, it's hard to breathe.

I eventually laid back in bed, wanting to fall back asleep because sleeping is the only way to escape the pain.  You can't feel when you're sleeping, and I wasn't ready to feel the depth of pain that I knew was coming.  Instead of sleeping, however, I cried more.

How was this happening again?

Just then, our sweet little Pax appeared in the shadow of the room.  Four years ago, he was sent as our precious rainbow baby; the rainbow that came after the tumultuous storm of miscarriage.  And here he was again, my little rainbow baby, my sweet angel, to comfort me while a storm was raging in my heart.

He climbed into bed with me and told me he had a song for me.  He sang the most beautiful Primary song in his most adorable, squeaky voice.  I know my Heavenly Father was near and wanting me to know that He was aware of my pain, because Pax just "happened" to sing a song about rainbows, a song that we rarely sing.  It gave me great hope that another rainbow would come.

I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain

And ponder on the beauty of the Earth made clean again.

I want to be the best I can,

and live with God again!!

October 31, 2013
Another incredibly difficult day. On this day, the physical process of miscarriage began.

October 28, 2013 and October 31 2013. 

Two incredibly difficult days full of pain and grieving.

However, my story is proof that we are children of a loving and merciful God.

"...and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into JOY" (John 16:20)

February 2014

I didn't know I was pregnant. It wasn't POSSIBLE for me to know that I was pregnant yet.  As I walked to the boy's room to put them to sleep, the Spirit spoke to my mind in these words: "Your due date will be October 31".  

I couldn't get to my phone's calendar fast enough.  I literally RAN to my phone as my fingers fumbled until I finally discovered that according to my ovulation date (if I actually was pregnant), that my due date would, in fact, be October 31.  More miraculous than that: if determining the due date from my last missed period, my due date would be October 28.

I bawled my eyes out.

 October 28th and 31st were significant only to me.

Each of those days a piece of my heart broke.

My journal is filled with entries of a grieving mother on those very days. 

They were days filled with sorrow and heartbreak, but my sorrow has been swallowed in the JOY of the daily reminders that our baby's due date-- EITHER possible due date-- are the days that I enthusiastically anticipate.

There is only One who knew the significance that those days held.

There is only One who could manipulate my fertility so meticulously.

 Some may say this is a classic case of coincidence. I disagree. This is a classic case of a loving God who cares deeply and very personally.

He never forgot.

He never left my side.

 He let me know, in the most miraculous and personal way that He remembered me.